I’ve always said that there’s a need for transparency in my Christian walk - to show both the good times and the bad. Well, honestly, I don’t want to talk about this, but I should. So here goes.
To be honest, these last few weeks have kinda sucked in terms of my own sin addiction - my pornography addiction. It seems every night, every moment I spend alone in my room is a moment when I am tempted. I’m usually ok if I’m not there, but I’ve kinda been dying with the advent of midterms and stress.
It’s a stress-coping mechanism now. But more than that, it’s just a habit, really. It’s something that’s been ingrained into my mind for so long now, and I’m afraid even if I do make a clean break from it, it’s going to take years before my mind goes back to normal.
It’s hard, and I find myself isolating more and more. I haven’t talked to my roommate about this in months. I haven’t talked to my discipler about this in months either. I have talked to this with Ryan quite a bit, though.
I do best when I’m outside a lot, doing things. I do best when I’m busy with church stuff or school stuff, or studying in Fondren. But my laptop, my room - these essential things - they’re what kills me.
I hate myself at times. But God has taught me grace, and that’s hard pressed to leave. I must keep holding on to that and keep moving.
Because I see this in me - two polar opposites that hate each other. It seems like I can switch from one to the other in a moment - one moment I am on fire for God, and the other I am seeking for the best possible way for me to pleasure myself. It’s annoying, and before, I would have said it’s hypocritical and awful. But I know know that’s just what Paul was talking about.
I need to learn to follow my God-given nature and to deny my sinful one. It’s gonna be hard. I need your prayers, your friendship, your understanding and support.